


anyone who can pick up a frying pan owns death

by orphan_account



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV), The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: And literally everyone, F/M, I dont know how to tag, M/M, Other, She's awesome, and ren, at least he is in the beginning, criminal minds au, cursing, i love roswell, lup's here too, maybe each 'episode' is 2 or 3 chapters, sazed sucks, taako's a private detective babey
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:07:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22207600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: It's the IPRE crew (And a couple others) as the FBI Behavioral Analasys Unit!The BAU is a team of highly professional and intelligent people that use psychology to stop criminals-- or so you'd think. In reality, they're all dorks who really should try be more professional. And Barry's stuck on the ceiling fan. Again.
Relationships: Barry Bluejeans & Lup, Lup & Taako (The Adventure Zone), Magnus Burnsides & Merle Highchurch & Taako, Magnus Burnsides & Taako, The Director | Lucretia & Taako
Comments: 6
Kudos: 15





	anyone who can pick up a frying pan owns death

“This is Taako Soldua,” Lucretia started, showing an image of an attractive elven man on her screen, who was grinning wildly and proudly, displaying a gap in his teeth. “He went missing three days ago, and the Glamour Springs Police Department believe he’s been kidnapped by a serial killer that’s been active for three and a half years.” 

Multiple images of elves were on the screen now, all of them bearing a resemblance to each other. Merle whistled. 

“Three and a half years, and we’re just now getting called?” He said, leaning back in his chair. Davenport nodded.

“Before now, there was never any evidence other than a split second shot of a tiefling. Now, though, the GSPD thinks there’ll be some left behind-- Taako is a private detective, and a good one at that. He’d know to try to leave as much evidence as he could,” He said. Lucretia nodded. 

“I worked with him a couple years ago. He’s almost supernaturally good at what he does. I just hope it doesn’t get him killed,” She said. She pointed her remote at the screen again, and it showed an elven body lying by the side of the road, covered in blood. “Three days ago, this body was found. Coroner determined that he died shortly after Taako was called in missing-- And he wasn’t tortured nearly as much as the other elves were.” 

Magnus frowned. “He abandoned him in favor of Taako.” Lucretia shut off the screen, nodding.

Davenport stood. “We’re leaving in 15.”

* * *

“Hey, how are my fave crime fighters doing?” A voice chimed from a laptop, and Kravtiz’s face appeared on the screen. Barry grinned. 

“Better now that you’re here, handsome. What you got?” 

“ID just came in on the elf found three days ago-- Allen Vear. He went missing about two weeks ago. He left his bakery and then never arrived home.” He paused as something beeped on his screen. “Would you look at that-- never even entered Glamour Springs. Lived two towns over.” Lucretia’s eyebrows lifted.

“Maybe the unsub travels? Kravitz, where were all the other victims taken?” She said, leaning forward. Barry lightly smacked her away as she put her elbow on his puzzle.

“Uhh, buncha towns surrounding Glamour Springs. Haverdale, Salding, couple others. Sent them to you. And only four, not including Taako, were taken from Glamour Springs.” 

“Four out of how many?” 

Kravitz clicked frantically on his side. “We don’t have IDs on all the bodies, but four out of 13 so far. There’s 17 victims that we’ve found, and three missing cases that are possibly connected.” 

“Damn, this guy’s been busy,” Merle said. Everyone nodded. “Well, keep us posted if you find anything else, Reaper Man.” 

“Don’t call--” Kravitz didn’t get to finish his sentence before Merle reached over and slammed the laptop closed, grinning. 

Davenport shook his head, smiling fondly. “Alright, victimology. What do we have?” Barry clasped his hands together and pushed his puzzle away. 

“All blonde elves.”

“All attractive men,” Magnus added. “Do we know what they were like personality-wise?”

“Confident, proud. Charismatic,” Lucretia said, flipping through the files. “A bit arrogant.” 

“And I’m guessing, similar to Taako.” Merle pursed his lips. “How long does the unsub typically keep them?” 

“About three weeks, and there’s overlap when he abducts and when he disposes of the bodies. It used to be about once a month and a half, but it shortened in the last year.”

Barry frowned. “They don’t match his fantasy like he needs them too.” There was a moment of silence.

“Merle, Barry, you talk to Taako’s family, then to the other victims’ families. See if their paths crossed. I will set up at the GSPD and meet the deputy. The chief will meet with us later. Magnus and Lucretia, I want you two to go to Taako’s apartment. See what you can gather,” Davenport said, and they all nodded. 

* * *

Taako wasn’t having a good day, and being kidnapped by a serial killer certainly didn’t make it better. The worst part, however, was that he was dating said serial killer, who also probably wanted to torture him.

He never should’ve moved to Glamour Springs, he reflected, not for the first time. Reflecting was about all he could do, all he had been doing, as his hands were currently tied behind his back, and so were his feet, and he was gagged. And, to top it all off, he was shivering on a cold cement floor in what looked like the basement of a haunted house, and he hadn’t eaten in who knows how long. 

He thought he could hear the rain, somewhere in the distance. The first time it rained in weeks and he couldn’t even go out to enjoy it, just his luck. He closed his eyes, trying to ignore the dull throbbing coming from his sore arms and shoulders. Slowly, the world faded to black around him, and he fell asleep. 

He was woken up by the sound of a door slamming, followed by quick and heavy footsteps. He recognized them, he thought, as a pale blue tiefling came down the rickety stairs. His boyfriend of a year and a half.

He blinked, and now the tiefling was standing above him, looking down at him. He knelt down and brushed some stray hairs out of Taako’s face. Taako jerked himself away, cringing as the movement sent a streak of pain through his arms.

The tiefling’s almost-kind face morphed into rage and he grabbed Taako, lifting him harshly. He shut his eyes, expecting to be hit or thrown. Instead, he felt the tiefling pause, and then he was being carried bridal style.

As he felt something prick his neck, and the world started going dark again, his only thought was “Well, fuck.”

* * *

“Number 1158, Badgerberry Building, Nightshade Drive. That has to be, hands down, the most fairytale sounding address ever,” Lucretia said, pulling into a parking spot. Magnus laughed. 

“You’re tellin’ me. I hope this guys apartment is just as interesting as his address.” Together, they began walking up the stairs. And walking. And walking. 

Eventually, on floor five, they finally found an elevator. Grateful, they pressed the button, and nothing happened. 

“Oh, the elevators don’t work. Never have,” A voice chimed, and they turned to see a drow woman, holding her groceries with both arms and panting. “Not sure why anyone lives above the second floor, but hey. Not my life, right?” 

Magnus laughed and grinned. “Actually, can you confirm we’re in the right building?” She nodded.

“Sure. What’re you lookin’ for?” She asked.

Lucretia interjected. “1158 Badgerberry Building.” The woman’s grin faded.

“Oh, Taako’s place? You’re here, alright. Just a couple floors up, I can take you if you’d like. I’m his neighbor, I’m headin’ up there anyways.” 

“That’d be great, thanks. And do you need some help with those?” Magnus said, gesturing at her bags of groceries. Her smile came back. 

“Oh, thank you! My name’s Ren, by the way.” She handed him a couple bags, and Lucretia took some also. 

“I’m Agent Burnsides, this is Agent Director. We’re looking for Taako.” They began walking up the stairs again. 

“Well, you won’t find him up there, that’s for sure,” She laughed. “I’m glad someone’s takin’ this seriously.”

Lucretia paused. “What do you mean?” 

“Taako sometimes leaves without telling people where he’s going. For the first two days, I couldn’t get anyone to believe he was actually missing. I finally got his sister’s information and she freaked, said if Taako was doing something he always told her, no matter what. Next day, I got told the FBI was comin’ in.

“Well, this is it. I’m right next door, at 1159. Come by if you need anything!” She smiled and took her groceries back, fumbling with her keys for a moment before disappearing through her door. 

Magnus and Lucretia just stood there for a moment, catching their breath. 

“I agree with her wholeheartedly,” She said, while Magnus rummaged through his pockets, “That anyone who lives above the second floor is batshit crazy.” He groaned suddenly, running his hands through his hair. 

“I forgot the fucking key in the car.” She was silent for a moment, and then burst out laughing, leaning against the wall, and he laughed with her. 

“Maybe Ren has a spare key? They are friends, after all.” Magnus shrugged and Lucretia stepped to Ren’s door, preparing to knock. The door swung open before she could. 

“Don’t worry, I heard you guys talking’.” Grinning, she tossed a key to Lucretia, who fumbled with it for a bit. Magnus grabbed it and opened Taako’s door, smiling. 

“What would we do without you, Ren?” She laughed and shook her head. 

“You’d be getting a hell of a workout. Stop by for a meal if you have the chance, I’m making some chicken.” With that, her door closed again, and they heard the lock click into place. 

“Thin walls but no one heard anything, and even this high up, without a working elevator, there’s a need to lock your doors.” Lucretia looked at Magnus as they stepped inside the apartment. “Something’s going on here.” Magnus agreed. 

“You know what’s bothering me? If Taako was taken here, in his apartment, how did the unsub get down without an elevator with nobody noticing?” Magnus wondered, flicking the light switch. 

The lights were dim, but just bright enough to see. Knicknacks covered every surface available, and although everything was cluttered, it seemed organized. Crystal beads and windchimes hung in patterns from the ceiling, and a galaxy-patterned umbrella lay on the kitchen counter. 

“Weird place to put an umbrella,” Magnus remarked, and wandered around the cozy place, looking for signs of a struggle. 

“Magnus, over here!” He walked over to Lucretia, who was standing in a curtained-off section of the house, next to the bedroom. There was a desk and a computer there, and the floor-to-ceiling window was almost entirely covered in drawings, blueprints, notes, and random papers. Most of the paper on the had been knocked to the floor, some picture frames broken. The chair overturned.

Obvious signs of a struggle. They shared a glance and began looking through it. 

“Something seems off here. This was just swept off the desk, not accidentally knocked off,” Lucretia muttered, flipping through some papers. “Either someone was trying to find something, or someone was trying to hide something in the mess.” She looked up. 

“So we’re looking for anything that’s out of place, considering the rest of the papers.” Magnus nodded. “We’ll be here a while.”

“Want to go ask if Ren has some coffee?” Magnus stood up immediately. 

“For sure, see you, bye. I’m getting a shit-ton of coffee, whether it’s from Ren or from the Mafia,” He said, and practically ran out the door. Lucretia laughed and shook her head, smiling fondly, before looking back at the mess of papers. 

It was going to be a long day.


End file.
